Goodbyes are hard and life is busy and it seems to me that it will happily hurtle you forward faster and faster if you let it not giving you time to grieve or even process this one life you've been given. I think often the temptation is to just push through the hard and try to get back to life being "normal/good" again. However, I'm convinced that God has much to teach us as we walk the difficult and heartbreaking roads of this life. These roads teach us compassion, they teach us where to place our hope and trust, they show us what life is really about, they guide us to what matters, and whether or not we are intentional about taking the time to process our hearts will force us to grieve and someday we will look back and realize that even these most difficult roads were God's grace to us. They didn't feel like it at the time but they drew us to Him and made us more like Him.
Anyway, with a new little one and a marriage that needed attention I kind of went the route of pushing through. It was kind of all I could do to put one foot in front of the other in the months and the years that followed Dad's passing. I remember so many things, though I wrote very few down at the time. It was strange to me to grieve this way. I'd lost 2 roommates in college in a car accident and I had spent so much time journaling and visiting their grave sites and talking to people about my feelings. This time however I just did have those people. Friends were busier, family processed things differently than me, I was busier, and and honestly the stakes just felt higher. With my roommates if I let life stand still for awhile it meant classes and grades slipping but this time it was our marriage and our daughter. So grieving my Dad happened in little bitty chucks over years and years and that's why it's 12 years later and I'm just getting around to making some sort of record of this most difficult season of my life.
It started about a year after Brandon and I were married. I remember Brandon coming to my school. I don't know why or how he found out first but I remember being pulled out of class and standing against the brick wall of our building as he told me that something had happened to Dad. As Dad and Robert and Kelly drove the last load of things from Arizona to Oregon Dad had started to not make any sense. He was saying crazy things and not remembering names and so they pulled off the road and ended up taking him to the hospital in Rosberg. There they ran a bunch of tests and believed that it was a brain tumor. I was devastated. I reacted as though we'd already lost him. He seemed to know people but his speech was so confused. I remember trying to talk to him on the phone and him thinking I was Cindy and then him just being so confused and frustrated.
December 14, 2007
After some more tests however we got what we considered to be better news which was that they believed that what they'd seen on the MRI was actually a shadow on his brain from an injury he sustained years ago when a cow threw her head into his. So after a a few days they made it back home to Jefferson believing that he had had a stroke and would need to do speech therapy but feeling overall relieved that at least it wasn't a tumor. I remember that Christmas being so thankful to be together! He was still really struggling with his speech but he was definitely improving and we were all just soooo thankful!!
Fast forward to the end of January 2008 and Dad goes in for a follow up appointment of some kind and we find out that it is in fact a brain tumor.
Things proceeded pretty quickly from here as they schedule him for a biopsy and surgery and everyone quickly made arrangements to fly to Oregon to be there for him and Mom.
We spent a few afternoons here in prayer for Dad and I remember one in particular that he was trying so hard to remember Habakkuk 3:17 and then how happy he was when the pastor finally followed his train of thought and was able to read it to him.
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:17-18
This was the general attitude that Dad carried from the very beginning. It was all about bringing glory to God.
Cindy, Grandpa, Grandma, Tammy, Dad, and Kelly
We spent some good time laughing around this table. I remember Dad and Cindy especially telling old stories, tears rolling down their cheeks, as we all laughed and laughed.
There were also some tears as I think Dad knew from the beginning that this was pretty serious. I remember him saying that he could feel his mind slipping and so before he headed into this surgery he did his best to get his thoughts on paper and I remember him reading to us some of his thoughts and encouraging us to never stop trusting the Lord no matter how difficult this road got.
February 11, 2008
Dad's first surgery to remove pressure and biopsy the tumor took place in Salem on the evening of February 11th. There were 25 of us in the waiting room and hundreds of others praying.
This silly crew snuck out and bought magnetic nose piercings. They never could resist giving Dad a hard time.
We spent the next 2 days in the waiting room wanting to be near but with little we could actually do as we waited on results. During this time everyone was spending a lot of time on their phones trying to update the many people who were praying and so this is when we decided to start Dad's Caring Bridge page. I remember not liking it at first because I felt like it was an overreaction. I wanted so badly to believe that he was going to be okay but I offered to be in charge of it and am thankful I did. I may have stalled on my processing after Dad passed away but I sure spent a lot of time wrestling with God and his promises throughout this journey and keeping up this site was part of what forced me to do that.
Well we found out 2 days later that it was in fact cancer and I just remember ALL of us being out in the hallway with that poor doctor as he tried to answer the questions that he could. Thankfully my cousin Missy was there and she was able to help guide some of our questions.
Then as we sat in the waiting room afterwards trying to process this news I remember everyone having opinions. I don't think Mom knew what to do, Dad's family wanted to fly him to a better hospital in Phoenix, and Dad seemed to have peace that whatever was going to happen was going to happen. He seemed willing to travel but not overly concerned about having the surgery in Salem either.
Well people started making calls and within a few hours the ball was rolling to take Dad to Phoenix. We took Dad home and sent Ryan, Kendra, and Caleb to Phoenix with the Aunts and our little blue Ford Taurus. The next day, Valentines Day, Kelly and Robert took a flight from Portland to Phoenix while Brandon and I, along with Dad and Mom, Big Wayne and Little Wayne, took a medical flight out of Salem to admit Dad into Barrows Neurological Institute of Phoenix.
February 14, 2008
Dad was always strong for us but there were some really hard days when the reality of it all was just too much. I love and I hate this picture because I can feel the sadness...the unfairness...the loss. I don't know why this cat was in the house because animals were never in the house but this is Target, one of Dad's favorites. We moved her from Arizona and she's still around to this day and I never see her without thinking of this picture and Dad. I will likely bawl my eyes out the day she passes away because it feels like a little piece of him.
We basically went straight from the plane to the E.R. where because of a family connection we were quickly admitted and then Dad was moved to the I.C.U. for tests and observation. The next few days were a lot of waiting again which was hard and we received more information about the tumor. We learned that because of the tumors location surgery would pose a high risk to his speech, motor, and thought function. As a result the doctors in Phoenix thought it might not be a good immediate option. So after 4 days in the hospital we took him home to Brian and Amy's house where he planned to spend a few days before moving across town to Cindy and Wayne's place for the duration of his radiation treatment. Unfortunately the same day we took him home he had a seizure and ended up back in the hospital in Gilbert overnight and then being transported back to Barrows the very next day.
The next 2 weeks were some of the hardest. Dad got really sleepy, lost use of the right side of his body, and was becoming more and more confused and unclear. I remember him being so frustrated with us one night as we tried to understand what he wanted us to order him for dinner. He just wasn't himself. Surgery was on and off and on and off again. They'd say he was sleepy from meds and then they'd say it was from the tumor. He'd have days where he was so bad it felt like surgery was worth it because we'd already lost him and then other days when he'd be joking around a little and we'd think it wasn't time yet.
I remember spending a lot of time in the hospital with my parents. Some of my siblings just couldn't do the hospital thing which was understandable but it was where I wanted to be. After being through what I had a few years back with loosing my roommates in a car accident I felt well acquainted with grief and a deep connection to the suffering. I will always remember so clearly sitting with my mom while the doctor explained to us again and again and again that "this cancer would take his life." They might be able to prolong it but he was going to die from this. We still held on to hope because we knew we served a BIG God but man I remember how truly devastated I felt that day. We wept together as a family, Dad was tired, but I will always remember the 6 of us sitting in a waiting room just crying. I remember one of my siblings asking me if it could hurt worse than this and having to say yes, it can, but somehow, somehow we will be okay. I also remember talking about how each of us had so much of Dad in us and how because of that he'd always be with us and we'd always remember, and that's still so true today. Every once in awhile I'm taken aback by something one of my siblings does or says or the way that they look because it just reminds me so much of Dad.
March 4, 2008
It was about 2 weeks into this hospital stay that Dad had his first surgery to place a shunt which was suppose to relieve pressure but he had trouble waking up and honestly we thought we were going to loose him that week and that possibly we already had. I remember begging God for more time and he answered. Four days after this first surgery we sent him back into surgery to remove as much of the tumor as they could.
March 8, 2008
These memories will always be so vivid in my mind. Brave smiles, breaking hearts, laughter to distract from the pain...the blessing of this big family of ours.
Oh how our hearts broke yet hoped that day as we sent him off.
And oh how we hoped when they returned him to us.
During these 2 weeks in the hospital we had so much support from family and friends. I remember packed waiting rooms day after day, Uncle Scott came to visit from Colorado, dinners out, tailgate parties in the hospital parking lot, pizza parties in Dad's room, time spent at Grandpa Moss' dairy and at Kelly and Kathy's house and Wayne and Cindy's house, lots of hugs and prayers and support. I look back and realize people put so much on hold to be there with us every minute they could.
I can feel the pain in my heart and see the tears in my eyes in this picture. We spent as much time as we could with my family and Dad during this time. Brandon had started a new job in January, just a month before we headed to Oregon for Dad's biopsy. He had no time off but his company said go and even paid him for his time. I was teaching full time and my school was great too. I would leave for a week or more and then come back to grade papers and make sub plans for the next week and then I'd head back to Arizona. We didn't have money for all the flights but Aunts and friends from church were constantly offering frequent flyer miles or paying for flights so that we really could be there whenever we were able. Even so it was always so hard to say goodbye. We knew how quickly things could change and never knew if the Dad we left would be the same one we'd come back to.
I remember one time in particular when Dad had had some pretty rough days that mom really encouraged me to say my goodbye. I didn't want to because acknowledging the fact that we might loose him was too much but I tried. I told him how sad I was and about all the milestones and things we wouldn't get to share together and how it was hard to imagine that we'd be okay without him. He assured me that God would take care of us and I remember him specifically encouraging me in my relationship with my mom. He told me that while he knew we didn't always see eye to eye that she had a lot of good things to offer and that she was right more often than I thought. I will always remember that conversation and to this day when misunderstandings arise I am always reminded of his words and of his deep love for her and for me.
March 12, 2008
4 days after surgery we celebrated as we took Dad home to Cindy's house. He'd made tremendous improvement. He was still having a hard time processing all that had happened to him and formulating his thoughts but he was walking and even joking around about his plan of escape and we were so encouraged.
March 17, 2008
Then 5 days later we found ourselves back in the hospital dealing with complications. This was just the way of this time. Up and down and up and down. Dad was on blood thinners because of a blood clot and the homecare nurse told us that his blood was dangerously thin. In addition to this the filter that had been put in to protect him from blood clots was clogged and was causing him a great deal of pain in his leg.
We were doing our best to care for him. We knew that he needed to get up and move if he was going to stay out of the hospital and that if he laid around too much he could get another blood clot so we did everything we could to get him up and moving. I remember begging and pleading with him to try and him saying it hurt to much. We thought he wasn't thinking clearly but as it turned out he was miserable and needed another surgery to clear the filter in his leg that was causing him so much pain. After the fact I felt so bad for not believing him and for pushing him so hard although I'm sure he didn't hold it against us.
March 27, 2008
A week and half later we finally had him home again and he started to show some improvements and was able to begin processing all that had happened over the course of the past month and a half. He'd gone downhill so fast that it was kind of a blur to us and even more so to him.
April 1, 2008
Bobs faith remains a strong and steady testimony to each of us as we watch him walk through this valley and try to make sense of his new realities. I never expected anything less from him but am so proud of how focused he continues to be on bringing God glory. He continues to reiterate in different ways every day his understanding that this is not about him and his struggle with watching the ones he loves, especially those who do not know Jesus Christ as their Savior, struggle through the questions that situations like these inevitably cause to arise. Yet he is amazed at how good God has been to him. Barb has been trying to fill him in on all that has happened in the past two months and she said he seems to be finally able to absorb it all and as he hears of the prayers being said on his behalf and of how the body of Christ has reached out to us in so many countless ways all he can say is WOW. How amazing that God would do all of this for me. What a great and humble perspective. So we say with him WOW and as we continue to think upon all God has done it is a resounding wow said again and again and again! How good is our God and how greatly to be praised!
Our family has been such an amazing support to us throughout and we really can't say enough thanks to Auntie Cindy for her gracious hospitality. She welcomed our crazy crew into her home inviting us to take over her space and providing us with every single thing we needed including laughter and so many good memories amidst difficult days.
April 8, 2008
Heading home after nearly 2 months in Arizona. Dad and Mom still had about 3 weeks left to finish up radiation but we were headed back to California and the younger kids were headed back to Oregon.
May 3, 2008
After just over 2 months in Arizona Dad finally made it back to Oregon and then just 5 days later they made a trip to California to watch Brandon graduate and then back to Arizona for follow up appointments.
June-August 2008
The next 2 months were blessedly slow but in the middle of July we were told that despite chemo and radiation his tumor was growing. So we headed back to Arizona and middle of August planned to move ahead with another surgery even though Dad seemed to be doing really well. The doctors in Arizona did their own MRI's and compared them to the ones they did right after his surgery and they said nothing had changed. Apparently what they'd seen in Oregon was swelling from radiation. So with thankfulness in our hearts we all packed up and headed home again.
September-October 2008
Dad and Mom were able to take a trip to Hawaii but early in October Dad started struggling with his speech again and over all feeling a little worse. On October 10th he had his 2nd brain surgery in Portland. For this surgery they were actually able to wake him up throughout which helped them monitor his speech function. This surgery went very smoothly. He was home in a matter of a couple of days, he didn't loose any ground speech wise, and they found very little tumor regrowth. It was primarily a cyst
November 19, 2008
Dad's 49th Birthday
Christmas 2008
This Christmas we were celebrating. Dad had just completed a MRI 5 days prior to Christmas which showed no new tumor growth!!!!
It was determined that the tumor was coming back so we began looking into surgery again. There were many options...Phoenix, Seattle, Portland, California. Dad and Mom ended up feeling like a door had opened up for them to participate in a trial clinic at Cedar Sinai in California. They planned to remove the tumor and then use what they removed to make a vaccine which he could then be given 8 weeks later.
March 11, 2008
On their way home from checking out Cedar Sinai Robert was in a terrible accident. He was on his way to the airport to pick up Dad and Mom and not wearing his seat belt. He rolled his truck, broke his femur and some other bones, and was airvaced to the hospital. Thankfully someone saw the accident happen and called 911 immediately. The accident happened near Jeremy and Ashely's house so when they heard the sirens they came down right away and finding it was Robert called Uncle Keven who was actually able to get there and talk to him before he was airvaced. Arrangements were quickly make to pick up Dad and Mom so that they weren't left stranded at the airport wondering what had happened.
March 18, 2008
Dad underwent his 3rd brain surgery and Robert was moved to a rehab facility. What they removed in surgery turned out to be primarily scar tissue which was good news but meant that they were not able to make the vaccine as they'd hoped. Dad made his quickest recovery yet and only 2 days later was back at our house for a day of rest before traveling home to Oregon.
April 2008
About a month later Dad started having more set backs and started loosing coordination in his right side. So they headed back to the doctors, again to Phoenix, and then in May he started a new chemo medicine.
May 28, 2008 Caleb Graduated from 8th grade.
Father's Day 2009. Brandon and I along with Amy and Brian surprised Dad by coming to Oregon to celebrate! At this point Dad was on his 3rd round of chemo and was seeing no results.
July 2009
They took Dad off the chemo as it seemed to be doing more harm than good. He slept a lot and time moved slow which was frustrating to him but he also had a few good days. He got out to see the new barn the boys were building and took a trip to the coast with mom and Caleb and Kendra.
October 2, 2009
Today I journal with a heavy heart, not knowing exactly what to say but wanting to keep you all up to date so that you can pray for us and with us. On Wednesday Bob had an MRI, which has become the routine, but this time the news was what we feared it might someday be. The tumor in Bob's brain has spidered into the healthy portions in such a way that it can no longer be treated or operated on. For us this is obviously devastating news and so today we are left trying to process our grief together with Bob and each in our own way. We desire to honor the one who holds our lives in His hand and who we trust even now knows our pain, but the grief is literally overwhelming at times. God's plan is so far beyond our comprehension. We don't see how this could be His way, and yet it is what it is and so as we grieve we try also to hold on to the promises that we know are true.
Our God loves us, He alone is Sovereign, His grace is sufficient for our weakness, He is the Great Comforter, and most importantly today He is our Savior. We have hope because we know how our story ends as children of the Most High. And so today we grieve but not as those who have no hope.
October 13, 2009
We had Sadie and about a week later Mom, Dad, and Robert were able to make a last trip to California to meet her. It was a hard trip for Dad. Between the flight and even just getting through security it was really too much but he made it. He held her and I will always remember. I will always remember sitting with him and I will remember laying my sweet girl next to him on the bed so that he could see her and we were grateful. We were grateful for these precious moments and that he got to meet her even though in hindsight I know it was selfishly for us. I will also always remember taking Mom and Dad and Robert back to the Ontario Airport. I would have done literally anything to make time stop. In my heart I knew that this was it and that I was saying goodbye. We put them on that elevator, the one that to this day I can barely look at, and I just wept and wept. Nothing prepares you and nothing can take away the pain. It was all so unfair. Holding this beautiful new life not much more than a week old while trying to savor that last touch and look from my Dad as I told him goodbye.
Honestly these pictures make me so sad but there was no other way. I'm sorry I asked him to make this trip and at the same time I'm so thankful that he got to meet his granddaughter. I wanted so badly for him to meet her and hold her and I know that he wanted to for me but these were just such hard days. It all felt so unfair.
November 9, 2009
Dad celebrated his 50th birthday. This was the last time he got out of bed. The last time he was awake was Saturday November 14th. I flew home on the 15th and on the 19th he went home to be with Jesus.
I remember on that last trip to Oregon my mom taking Sadie from me every morning in the very early hours. She'd sit next to Dad rocking her while I caught a few more minutes of sleep. Sadie was a sweet gift during these terrible days and weeks to my mom and to me and I think Sadie will always have a special bond with her Grammy because of it.
Sadie was truly a sweet gift and distraction to all of us and even now I could weep over how young we all were. I mean Caleb wasn't much older than Sadie is now when we said goodbye to Dad and though I've accepted that this was God's will for our family it's still a hard pill to swallow. Maybe that's why it's been 11 years since I've flipped through these photos and why it's taken me nearly a year to to write this post.
I also remember saying goodbye to Dad. I remember mom waking me to tell me it was time and all of us gathered around him waiting, counting each breath in agony as we realized very soon he was going to take his last. I remember Grandma and Cindy in the doorway, I remember telling him it was okay and that he could go and that we would see him soon. I remember promising to raise his grandkids to know the Lord. I remember my siblings saying goodbye, and I remember closing all the curtains and sitting in the family room when the coroner came because we couldn't bear to watch them take him away. We knew he was in a better place. Even selfishly we couldn't wish for him to continue on as he was and yet we missed him so deeply from that very first moment.
We grieved together and separately and did our best to hold one another up.
The family all stayed to help with funeral arrangements and anything else they could. We have such a supportive extended family and each person really did their part to get us through from one minute to the next, one decision to the next, one day to the next. Sometimes this meant going through photo albums and getting pictures printed, sometimes this meant entertaining kids, sometimes it meant keeping us laughing, and sometimes it meant helping Mom to finish projects around the house that were incomplete.
I think we laughed and acted stupid at times out of sheer desperation. There was nothing left to do and no more tears to cry in that moment and so we'd turn to silliness to relieve the heaviness.
November 24, 2009
Dad's funeral was 5 days after his passing. In that time family flew in and so many arrangements were made. I remember exactly none of those 5 days except buying footie pajamas and laughing till we cried, sitting in the office with my siblings writing out memories to be shared at the funeral, and buying clothes to wear to the funeral.
I remember after I got home, those first months with Sadie, lying on our couch crying and lonely with her curled up against me knowing we'd be okay but honestly not knowing how. My brothers were so young, I remember vividly a conversation with Robert where he told me he couldn't do it. Couldn't run a dairy without my Dad. Caleb and Kendra were even younger, Mom was so dependent on Dad, we all were. This new reality was a hard pill to swallow.
Yet here I am 11 years later and we are okay. We've had some hard days. We still miss Dad but we also trust God and can testify to the fact that He is able to carry us through WHATEVER we are facing.
