He tends His flocks like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those who have young.
This is the verse that came with a bracelet mailed to me by my good friend Courtney, which I've been wearing the past few weeks, and meditating on when I'm feeling overwhelmed with this pregnancy.
We are 35 weeks and 2 days today and I'm wondering if this will be my last day pregnant. I've spent a lot of years pregnant so it is weird to realize that this season is coming to an end, although it is also a relief as these days are pretty uncomfortable. Today my prayer is for peace, I'm praying that I'd be able to rest in the knowledge that He is my shepherd and that He is gently leading me. I really, really hope that I can carry these girls another week and a half, giving them just a little more time to develop, and giving my body the time it needs to go into labor naturally, but if not I will remember it is He who is in control. It's not ultimately me or my doctor that will decide when these girls come. God knows what is best and is perfectly trustworthy. He will carry us through whatever lies ahead. He loves us. He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries us close to His heart.
Well a lot has happened since I wrote that... As it turns out that was my last day pregnant and while I want to say I stayed calm and peaceful trusting, like a child, that God had my best interest in mind, in reality I was calm up until things didn't go my way. Why do I do this? I say that I trust and I really ultimately do, but in the moment I still find myself throwing a bit of a fit when it doesn't go my way.
Anyway, I dropped the kids off that Friday morning and headed to my appointment. I got there really early so that I'd have time to sit and relax. I recited Isaiah 41:11 over and over taking deep breaths, trying to calm my nerves, praying that my blood pressure wouldn't be to high. My doctor had actually admitted me to labor and deliver on Tuesday for a high blood pressure read, but after a good ultrasound and no more high reads he'd sent me home. This was why I was so nervous. I felt like he was ready to induce me and I wanted so badly to have more time. Aubrey had just flipped from breech to vertex giving me once again hope that I might be able to deliver these girls naturally, but I hadn't started to dilate so I knew I needed more time. I also knew the girls were developmentally still very little. As I sat waiting and trying to calm my heart my dental hygienist walked in, a very sweet girl named Danica. We start to talk and all the while I was panicking inside knowing that even as I told her about what was going on my blood pressure was probably rising. Anyway, I finally got called back and while all the reads on the stress test were good my blood pressure read was high again and when my doctor came in he informed me right away that he was not going to let me retake it today. He said it was TIME.
This was not what I wanted to hear and immediately I began to tear up asking for just a couple more days. I promised to take my blood pressure at home everyday or even to stay and be monitored at the hospital, I just wanted desperately to give the babies a couple more days, but he said no. He said if it was his wife this is what he would do and reminded me that mono di twins can be finicky. He said that while you never want to take a baby earlier than necessary you also don't want to wait to long and then not be able to find a heartbeat. Hard to argue with that, but I was still so very very disappointed. I remember him telling me not to cry, this was a happy day, I was going to meet my girls, but all I could do was cry. I was so disappointed. He ended up letting me go home to gather myself, which was nice, although I'm not sure how much it helped.
Brandon handled my emotions well, he prayed with me and reminded me again and again to focus on the fact that we were going to get to meet the girls and how amazing that moment was going to be. He also kept telling me I'd done well to carry them as long as I did.
Once at the hospital we started the admission process. My nurse's name was Katie and she made me so very crazy. She was an older lady, talked to much, couldn't figure out the computer, had to stick me more than once for the IV and blood draw, and just NEVER stopped talking and asking me questions like "What are you most worried about?" "Are you disappointed about the C-section because that's okay." "Are you nervous about breastfeeding after surgery?"
Oh my goodness!!!!! YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! This is not how I planned it! I'm disappointed about it ALL!! I wanted it all to be perfect! This is the last time I get to do this and I didn't want it to look or feel like this! Please just leave me alone!
And yet even though she left me completely exasperated I think she was who I was meant to have. She really did hear my concerns and worked hard to meet my needs getting me to my babies as quickly as possible, giving me as much time as she could to hold them after delivery, and helping me to get breastfeeding started immediately. She really could have looked at me like I was crazy, cuz I was feeling crazy, and I'm certain no one would have blamed her, but instead she was truly attentive and so committed to helping me through this.
Admission and Surgery Prep.
One last photo as a Prego. It really is bittersweet for me saying goodbye to this season of life. I calculated it and I've been pregnant for 235 weeks, 4.5 years. Yikes! Quite a bit of that time was spent feeling sick or just flat uncomfortable and I definitely wont miss that, but then there's also the miracle of feeling new life and I think I always knew I'd be a little sad when that came to an end. Maybe that's why we have 7 kids :)
And we're off to surgery...
With a c-section the doctor is in charge. He says when you will deliver, he pulls the baby from your body while you lay numb on a surgery table, he hands you the baby and then takes the baby away, and then it is up to the nurses as to when you can be reunited with your baby and I hate all of that, and this experience was no different. It felt unnatural to have these babies which had been growing inside of me for almost 9 months taken away from me to be cared for by others while I, necessary as it might have been, was being taken care of myself... sewn back up and moved from surgery to recovery.
Aubrey Christina Troyer
Born: May 10, 2019 at 5:19 p.m.
4 lbs 6.1oz and 17.25 in
Madison Jane Troyer
Born May 10, 2019 at 5:21 p.m.
4 lbs 5.1 oz and 13.93 in
Maddie was delivered breech. You can see her little foot up by the Dr.'s wrist.
This part was such a blur. It was probably only about 10 or 15 minutes after being rolled into surgery before I had both of these sweet girls in my arms, and there is truly nothing that compares. For a moment time stood still as they lay a crying baby, then two, on my chest and they squirmed just a little and then settled right in. I don't know what anyone around me was doing at this point all I knew was that I was looking at my babies... 2 beautiful baby girls...trying to soak it all in. These two new lives just born... beautiful...healthy...finally here! I remember Brandon there beside me taking it in too, and then they said they need to take them and my heart raced as I asked if they'd need to go to the N.I.C.U.? The nurse said yes, they were healthy but still very little, and my heart felt like it was being torn away as I let them go wondering how long it will be before I could get back to them.
Also, all during this time Brandon was texting me with updates. One of the things we'd talked about before all of this was how important it was to me to still feel connected to the girls. With Cooper Brandon had stayed with him, but I didn't have my phone and I had no way of knowing anything except the information that the nurses passed along which wasn't much. This time we were much more prepared. We'd asked ahead of time about pictures and made sure I could have my phone so that he could send me photos and keep me updated on all the little things along the way. The girls' blood sugar was good from the start as was their oxygen saturation, but their breathing was a little fast so they gave them each one 10 minute breathing treatment to sort of jump start them before I got there. Other than that they were healthy and strong from the start which we were so thankful for.
From recovery they wheeled me straight up to the N.I.C.U. They pushed my bed between the beds of my babies and again laid them on my chest while they continued to take their vitals and set up the room. At some point they told me I needed to go and check into my own room down in labor and delivery, and so reluctantly I went, probably asking when they were going to feed them so that i could be sure to be back. I believe they said they would wait for me, so as quickly as I could I got checked in, then got out of bed and into a wheelchair, and then headed back to the N.I.C.U. I remember my nurse saying that the women who recover from c-sections the quickest are smokers and women with babies in the N.I.C.U. because they are highly motivated to get up and moving. I was definitely highly motivated. I remember so clearly the first time I got out of bed with Cooper, probably 6-8 hours after surgery, and I just could barely do it. This time I don't even remember the pain I just did it. I don't think it was much more than an hour after surgery. Literally ALL I could think about was being with my girls.
Aubrey
Maddie
Here we are introducing the kids and Grammy to their new sisters.
Welcome to the world little ones!!!! We sure do love you and we're so glad that you're here! Your brothers and sisters and Grammy and aunts and uncles and cousins are ALL dying to meet you!
